My dad would occasionally tell us stories from his childhood. Stuff like his dad grabbing him by the shirt collar and repeatedly punching him in the face.
Bruuuh. I feel like I really shouldn’t complain that much. Some of y’all got even more fucked up childhood than I did. My parents never hit me that hard, it was merely slap on my hand. So like… in an “overton window” where corporal punishment is socially acceptable, its actually kinda tame in comparison. I’m never gonna be like “okay” with that idea, its still very… unacceptable regardless of how society views hitting your kids, but like, to be fair, judging by that standards, on that “overton window”, I didn’t get abused that badly. My parents also didn’t drink or gamble, so… I guess I got lucky the abuse is mostly just emotional. (still… depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
(still… depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
I tried that once when I was a teenager. Obviously, I failed. Kind of a cruel irony being told that you’re never going to amount to anything and then, as you’re working on your own suicide, you suck so bad at tying knots that you fail at that too.
20+ years later, I’m glad I failed. Depression is a deep dark hole that can feel completely inescapable.
It’s not inescapable with the right help. You don’t have to do it alone. You just have to be willing to ask for help.
My life so far has been a hard one. It’s been made much harder by the fact that my stupid little brain is broken and makes it extremely difficult to regulate my own emotions. But there’s glimmers of joy in the middle of all the hardness. I have things now that I never could have imagined on that day in my parents garage.
Things like self love and a sense of self worth, a family of my own, people to whom I matter a great deal, and a wealth of experiences that have taught me a great many valuable lessons.
Back then I didn’t think anyone would care if I stopped existing. Now, I know that’s not true. Sometimes I’m still here because I’m enjoying my life. Sometimes because I know there are people who love and need me. Somwtimes it’s because even though I don’t feel like that’s true, I know it is and I’m leaning on my meds until my feelings normalize. For me, that’s enough to keep me here until my time is finally up.
Sometimes I think I’d prefer physical abuse instead of the constant emotional stuff that makes you doubt yourself decades later. Like, my therapist tells me it was bad but they’re a therapist, isn’t that what they’d say? Mommy Dearest told me no one beat me so it’s not abuse. Abuse is complicated.
I was basically kept indoors my whole life and treated like an unwanted child. Whenever I was around family since I was a child I would get blamed for things with everyone getting angry yelling at me then be taken to be beaten by my mother. Cast out by family since a young age with no trust for anybody & every year constantly blamed for nothings turned into somethings. Accidents, & misunderstandins turned into lifelong problems. Good things misconstrued as bad things. Little bad things snowballed into avalanche of a problem.
Didn’t even get to serve in Navy due to health issues even though I did get to work for them as a civvy.
Personally laying it out I wanna be around people. I want a life. I want a real family. I want an income so I can finally be free but I’m still trapped with them.
Now here I am months later trying to get into projects/initiatives I am focused on for open source to make it better with everybody worldwide, trying to learn to be human like Tarzan did, heal from the worst Multiple Complex PTSD, don’t know how to get work much less remote work so I can earn money to get away from them, have no idea how to function as a person, & want to make friends/chosen family/ build up community but have no clue how to even begin from being away from society for decades.
I’m the definition of alone. If you search “Dandadan Evil Eye Childhood” on YouTube that is me. Completely. Same thing for “Gaara Childhood” & “Naruto Childhood.” Would go as far as saying I almost became a villain. If you were able to see life as a tv show/comic/anime/manga/animation you would be a completely changed person
Would love to make a way to help people learn online how to be human for anyone that goes through anything remotely similar to me to integrate with the people in a good way. First though I must become human so I can then make it happen. (That definitely makes me sound like a bot/ai/robot but that’s just me saying how I truly feel)
Would love to create a donation thing or get work or something so I can work on open source stuff as much as I can and then be free.
Top that with how much it sucks here in USA with all this bullshit happening.
Sorry it just felt good to vent at least a little.
Bruuuh. I feel like I really shouldn’t complain that much. Some of y’all got even more fucked up childhood than I did. My parents never hit me that hard, it was merely slap on my hand. So like… in an “overton window” where corporal punishment is socially acceptable, its actually kinda tame in comparison. I’m never gonna be like “okay” with that idea, its still very… unacceptable regardless of how society views hitting your kids, but like, to be fair, judging by that standards, on that “overton window”, I didn’t get abused that badly. My parents also didn’t drink or gamble, so… I guess I got lucky the abuse is mostly just emotional. (still… depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
I tried that once when I was a teenager. Obviously, I failed. Kind of a cruel irony being told that you’re never going to amount to anything and then, as you’re working on your own suicide, you suck so bad at tying knots that you fail at that too.
20+ years later, I’m glad I failed. Depression is a deep dark hole that can feel completely inescapable. It’s not inescapable with the right help. You don’t have to do it alone. You just have to be willing to ask for help.
My life so far has been a hard one. It’s been made much harder by the fact that my stupid little brain is broken and makes it extremely difficult to regulate my own emotions. But there’s glimmers of joy in the middle of all the hardness. I have things now that I never could have imagined on that day in my parents garage.
Things like self love and a sense of self worth, a family of my own, people to whom I matter a great deal, and a wealth of experiences that have taught me a great many valuable lessons. Back then I didn’t think anyone would care if I stopped existing. Now, I know that’s not true. Sometimes I’m still here because I’m enjoying my life. Sometimes because I know there are people who love and need me. Somwtimes it’s because even though I don’t feel like that’s true, I know it is and I’m leaning on my meds until my feelings normalize. For me, that’s enough to keep me here until my time is finally up.
Sometimes I think I’d prefer physical abuse instead of the constant emotional stuff that makes you doubt yourself decades later. Like, my therapist tells me it was bad but they’re a therapist, isn’t that what they’d say? Mommy Dearest told me no one beat me so it’s not abuse. Abuse is complicated.
I’ll add my own story to vent.
I was basically kept indoors my whole life and treated like an unwanted child. Whenever I was around family since I was a child I would get blamed for things with everyone getting angry yelling at me then be taken to be beaten by my mother. Cast out by family since a young age with no trust for anybody & every year constantly blamed for nothings turned into somethings. Accidents, & misunderstandins turned into lifelong problems. Good things misconstrued as bad things. Little bad things snowballed into avalanche of a problem.
Didn’t even get to serve in Navy due to health issues even though I did get to work for them as a civvy.
Personally laying it out I wanna be around people. I want a life. I want a real family. I want an income so I can finally be free but I’m still trapped with them.
Now here I am months later trying to get into projects/initiatives I am focused on for open source to make it better with everybody worldwide, trying to learn to be human like Tarzan did, heal from the worst Multiple Complex PTSD, don’t know how to get work much less remote work so I can earn money to get away from them, have no idea how to function as a person, & want to make friends/chosen family/ build up community but have no clue how to even begin from being away from society for decades.
I’m the definition of alone. If you search “Dandadan Evil Eye Childhood” on YouTube that is me. Completely. Same thing for “Gaara Childhood” & “Naruto Childhood.” Would go as far as saying I almost became a villain. If you were able to see life as a tv show/comic/anime/manga/animation you would be a completely changed person
Would love to make a way to help people learn online how to be human for anyone that goes through anything remotely similar to me to integrate with the people in a good way. First though I must become human so I can then make it happen. (That definitely makes me sound like a bot/ai/robot but that’s just me saying how I truly feel)
Would love to create a donation thing or get work or something so I can work on open source stuff as much as I can and then be free.
Top that with how much it sucks here in USA with all this bullshit happening.
Sorry it just felt good to vent at least a little.